a three dog night

I love memoirs. I especially love sad memoirs. Some of my favorite memoirs are Isabel Allende's Paula, in which she writes about the death of her adult daughter to a sudden illness; Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, in which she write's about her husband's death from a heart attack; and Abigail Thomas' Three Dog Life, about her life after an accident that left her husband of twelve years forever altered. I know, real uppers. I promise you, though, that there is something beautiful about reading these accounts of human fortitude and weakness, frailty and remarkable ability to endure, in the face of life's moments of deepest pain. If writing is an exercise in catharsis, then reading these cathartic accounts must provide some of the same benefits of cleansing and healing to the reader.

Thomas takes the name of her book from the expression, "a three dog night," which originated in Australia. During the cold winter nights, when the temperature dipped, the Australian Aborigines would cuddle up to their dogs to keep warm. The colder the night, the more dogs they would need to keep warm, and thus, a very cold night was referred to as "a three dog night."

I believe I'm going through at least a two dog moment in my life, and I am lucky that I happen to live with the world's most soulful and understanding dog heart. On Saturday morning I woke up reluctantly, hurting. Lola, who is usually too indpendent to snuggle up in bed with us, came over to say good morning, hopped on the bed, and lay down beside me. It was as if she was saying, "Okay, just this once I'm going to let you spoon me so that you'll feel better." It didn't last long, but it was exactly what I needed. She, not for the first time, got me out of bed that morning.

Kevin and I have often wondered what we ever did to get through the really rough times before we brought a dog into our home. We didn't know what we were missing. It's a type of comfort that only furry, four-legged souls can provide. Oh, Lola. I am so grateful. 

a loss

I was waiting a few more weeks (three, to be exact) to write this post with what was supposed to be happy news. It is with a very heavy heart that I instead write that we found out yesterday morning that our 11 week pregnancy is ending. A second loss. The grief is palpable in our home.

Kevin and I found out in early June that, after 19 months of trying to get pregnant after our first miscarriage, we were expecting. After endless tests, fertility consults, three failed rounds of Clomid, many blood draws, one surgery, a little humiliation, and lots of heartache and frustration, our naturally conceived pregnancy arrived as an unexpected, beautiful gift. We were overjoyed. We felt blessed. Things had been progressing well, with blood levels rising appropriately, progesterone supplements and multivitamins being taken every day, and an incredible 8.5 week ultrasound that showed a little grape-sized being with a discernible head and body, limb buds, and a strong beating heart.

Yesterday morning we went in for our 11 week appointment, to hear the heartbeat via Doppler for the first time. When the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, he didn't seem concerned (because I have a tilted uterus, which could make it more challenging to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler in the first trimester). He sent us in for an ultrasound, where it was confirmed that our sweet baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

We are grief-stricken, but we are doing a good job of supporting each other. We have been comforted by the love and support of our families, friends, and co-workers. And, somehow, I feel rather clear-headed. I am so very sad, but I am ready to go through the grief this time, instead of fighting to go around it as I did last time. Pain is cleansing, and I have learned much over the past two years about my ability to endure, about the strength of my marriage, and about the beauty of relinquishing the desire to control situations which are very much out of my control. I have grown. I feel like a woman. Still, this is hard. 

We are not sure we are going to go back to the reproductive specialist just yet. We don't want any more of the pressure we felt to pursue the invasive, intensive, and expensive treatments that are so enticing when you are a couple deep into the life-consuming desperation to bear a child. For now we have decided that we will continue to work with my beloved acupuncturist, Dr. Julie, who is a true kindred spirit, a teacher, and a healer. (Julie, who fit me right in to her day's schedule when I called her office yesterday morning to tell her the news. Julie, who took me by the hand when I arrived, led me to one of the treatment rooms, hugged me, and just let me cry. Julie who has pieced me back together before, and who gave me the strength to know that this time I can piece myself back together - with her help. My gratitude for Julie is deep and abiding.) We will also be working with a local naturopath/midwife, who will help us understand why I am struggling with my fertility. We want to take a holistic approach to healing our bodies, minds, and spirits, and to achieving optimal health. Then, we will try again. It feels impossible to be thinking of trying again, when I am still carrying this baby, but we know that we will try again. 

This is a sad reason for me to start writing again after a long absence, but it felt wrong not to write about our baby and this loss. This loss which feels so very raw right now. This loss which will add another little scar to our hearts that, years after we have built our family, will remind us of the road we traveled to get where we were meant to go.

I can already feel the love and good thoughts pouring back to us as you read this, so thank you in advance. The love is needed and much appreciated right now. Friends, family, and thoughtful co-workers are getting us through this sad patch. Send some love to us, but also send some love out to the universe, to this hurting and healing world. The world could use a lot of love these days.

• 
  

First photo, at 5 weeks. 

Second photo, at 8 weeks.

First ultrasound, gestational sac and yolk sac visible at 5 weeks 2 days. 

Our bean at 7 weeks 5 days, the first time we saw the beating heart at 166 bpm.  

Big head, a little body, arm and leg buds, and a wild little heart beating away at a healthy 179 bpm.  

We are a little busted up right now (as my sister would say). But, we're going to be okay. 

• • 
    

five years

Happy 5th wedding anniversary to my love. 

When I listen to this song, my heart swells with all the love that I hold in my heart for you, for us, and for our life together. Thank you for always making me feel like this:

There were days, in our early years, when I didn't know if we were going to make it. There were times when I doubted if we had what it took to make it through a lifetime together, to survive what can be the unbearable pressure of the daily routine. When I look at the photos from our wedding day, I am overcome with emotion at the naivety and simple enthusiasm with which we were entering marriage.

August 12, 2006

We were armed with little more than a somewhat bewildering mutual understanding that we were meant to share our lives together, and a sweet and slightly deluded blind faith in an institution of we which we had so little understanding. And yet, here we are. We are still together - having survived partially on that naive hope and enthusiasm with which we started out, and having gutted it out through our fair share of heart-wrenching mistakes. We are more in love with each other than ever before, which is a beautiful and hard-earned gift.

I am thankful - for each day, for each year that I have gotten to share with you. My heart delights in the sense of security and peace that I feel in my core when I think of us, and of what we are building together. I value, above everything else in my life, what exists between us, and I promise all over again to love you forever.

love

Happy Valentine's Day, friends! Kevin and I had a lovely Valentine's/half-anniversary celebration. We celebrated 3.5 years of marriage on the 12th, and we will celebrate 6.5 years together in all on the 17th. Our romantic weekend included a sushi dinner, bowling, a trip to the dog park, breakfast at a new favorite place (delicious Cuban food!), and one lovely homemade candlelit dinner.

A fuller update on the weekend,  my new job, and life in general, later. For now, I leave you with one of my favorite scenes about love from one of my favorite movies. Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain. I love it!

my favorite face

Here it is, home for lunch with me today:

One of the best things about moving across the river to St. Paul is that Kevin's commute has been cut down by about 20 minutes each way, which means that he can come home for lunch every now and then. It's such a treat to see him in the middle of the day, and to be able to sit in the sunny back room and have some lunch together - it's become on of my absolute favorite things. Today, in case anyone is interested, we enjoyed leftover turkey meatloaf sandwiches with a side of leftover Israeli couscous and green beans, and some hot apple cider, and we chatted about the big meeting that Kevin rocked at work this morning (he's been working so hard), and the new career plan I am busy hatching (I'm super excited, but more on that later).

It's so fun to be married to my best friend! The proof? Even our weekend chores are fun when we're together:

Kev took a short break from the serious work of repainting some chipped spots on the exterior of the house this weekend to indulge my need for a monotony-busting leaf-themed photo shoot (raking leaves tends to lose its novelty after 4 hours). It was nice to get so much accomplished on the "winterizing the house" front this weekend, and now there are just a couple more things to take care of (gutters, raking the last leaves in the back yard, trimming back some hostas, and draining the hose) this weekend. Hope you are all enjoying as nice a fall as we are!

P.S. - The beard is back! I LOVE it!

hehe

This is how we keep things interesting in our household:

Oh, man. I crack up every single time I watch this video (which, I might add, is quite often). This was taken the day that Kevin ran the Twin Cities Marathon, so, maybe it was a little unfair of me to take advantage of his mentally and physically weakened state, but, it was worth it! Watch it again, it just gets funnier. Now, please excuse me while I wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes.

P.S. It's more than a little embarrassing to admit this, since I pretend to hate that show, but, I got this idea from America's Funniest Home Videos - bahahaha!

P.S. #2 We're back from my sister and Alex's amazing Texas wedding weekend. A beautiful, fun, fantastic, amazing time was had by all --- bigger update on that later!

date night

In an effort to stay connected, and to ensure that we spend quality time together, in the midst of our usual day-to-day routines, Kevin and I have reinstated date night. Tonight was our first date, and it was super fun.

Kev came home from work and whipped up one of his nearly-world-famous pizzas: whole wheat crust from Trader Joe's ($1.00!), with sundried tomato and basil sausage, red onions, black olives, and mozzarella - delicious! We paired the pizza with a couple of Sierra Nevada Summerfest lagers (perfect combo), and then stopped off at the Metrodome to buy tickets for Saturday night's Twins game, on our way to see "Paul Blart Mall Cop" (yes, as bad as its title would suggest) for free at the U of M's Coffman Union. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like watching a terrible movie, and hearing your husband absolutely crack up at it's horrible jokes along with a bunch of eighteen-year-old college guys - hilarious! The movie was a stinker, but we laughed a lot (I mostly laughed at Kevin laughing), and it was really fun to do something "datey" on a weeknight.

Since we're in the middle of purchasing a house, we do have to be fairly budget-conscious, but, I have no doubt that we'll be able to come up with great date ideas nonetheless (after all, the free stuff is usually the most fun: bike rides around the lake, Boggle and beers at home, cheap seats at the ball game, homemade pizza and working on a puzzle together, etc.).

So, here's to changing up the weeknight routine, and to going out on fun dates with my man-hunk.

That's right, my man-hunk.

still the one

Four years ago today, near a gorge on the Cornell University campus, Kevin was busy proposing, and I wasy busy saying "Wait, is this real?" Seriously, I thought he was kidding at first. Once the shock wore off, I think I said something like, "Darn tootin', I'll marry you!" Then a dorky college kid, carrying a lime green intertube (what?) walked by, and we asked him to take our picture. Now we've been married 2 years and 8 months, and, yes, he (Kevin, not the kid with the intertube) is still my lovebug. Here are some pictures from the engagement party our awesome friends threw us a few weeks later. Man, don't we look young?

Ah, love.

P.S. - Kevin, I know you hate it when I tell the not-so-glamorous real version of our engagement story, but, it's our story, and I wouldn't trade it for a million other stories - even those involving absurdly cute Christmas puppies with rings tied to ribbons around their necks, or stories of mass-applauded baseball stadium proposals. Our story is so us, and I LOVE us.

i love it when...

...my husband laughs really hard at really silly things.

anniversary

Cheese alert! Kevin and I celebrated 2.5 years of marriage on the 12th (complete with wine, roses, corny balloon, anniversary cupcake, cards, candles, and pork ribs, of course), and today marks 5.5 years together overall. I know, we're too much. We can't help it!

Love you, Kev.

hey, good lookin'

A couple of weekends ago Kevin and I were relaxing at home, enjoying the coziness of being inside together on a chilly day, and when I noticed the lovely natural light pouring into the apartment, I made him my model for a mini photo-shoot.

Darn if I haven't gone and got a crush on my own husband.

post-its

Now this is what I call job security. In October, Kevin will make the move from advertising to the Post-it division at 3M. And really, will the world ever run out of a need for these magical little bits of paper? Nope, and here's why:

They're a handy alternative to paint and wallpaper.

They hold endless artistic possibilities.

They're an inexpensive way to redecorate.

They entertain children...

...and adults.

They help Kevin express his love for me.

five years

Five years ago today (also, by the way, on a Sunday), a twenty-five-year-old Kevin and a twenty-year-old Tammy were on their first date at the California State Fair. Whoa, five years. Our relationship is a kindergartener.

In the beginning:

Man, we look young. 

lovely

Had an absolutely lovely evening last night celebrating our second wedding anniversary. I had grand plans to start the day with french toast and mimosas, but as Kevin leaves for work at 7:30 am, and I am not usually awake until 9:30 am (hey, it's my summer of leisure), this did not actually happen. Nevertheless, we were determined to have a nice, casual, lovely evening together, and we did.

I worked hard to make the house and myself pretty, and when Kev got home (with a bottle of some really yummy sparkling wine, beautiful flowers, and a sweet card) we toasted each other, did a little dancing in the kitchen, read our cards, Kevin serenaded me, and then we headed out to dinner at 112 Eatery in the Warehouse District of Minneapolis. We were about 25 minutes early to dinner and they couldn't seat us yet, so we decided to take a little walk around the neighborhood while we waited for our 8 o'clock reservation. There were some awesome old brick buildings with cool walls and windows and so, naturally, we decided to do an impromptu (and goofy) anniversary photo shoot. After taking way too many pictures of ourselves we walked back to 112 Eatery and sat at the bar to wait for our table. It was perfect timing because the minute I had a glass of riesling in my hand and Kev had a beer, an absolute downpour started outside. We were perfectly happy knowing that we were going to be inside eating delicious food for the next couple of hours. Really, is there anything lovelier than being in a cozy restaurant with the one you love, while it rains outside? I think not.

We chose 112 because it came highly recommended by various foodie friends, and they certainly did not oversell this place! The ambiance was wonderful, the wine tasty, the wait staff attentive and friendly, and the food absolutely amazing. Our anniversary meal is our "don't hold back" splurge each year, and so we did it up last night. To start, we split two appetizers: the steak tartare and the sea scallops on a bed of the most perfect and delectable mushrooms I have ever tasted. For our entrees, I chose the halibut with roasted tomatoes (divine), and Kev ate the pork loin on bone (he loved it). For dessert, I had the chocolate pot de creme (seriously good stuff), and Kevin had the tres leches cake (each dessert with a candle in it - two total for our two years of marriage). Now, at this point we had also eaten two baskets of the yummy bread (I had forgotten what real, creamy, delicious butter tastes like - we eat "whipped vegetable spread" at home), and so we were pretty full. So full, in fact, that we had to bring most of our desserts home, and I have never seen Kevin Shevlin not finish a dessert, so that tells you how much we ate! Kevin had a chardonnay with dinner and I had a nice vouvray - both very good. This was probably one of the best meals I've ever had and it was a wonderful place to celebrate our anniversary - we will definitely be back.

Any anniversary romance that might have happened once we got home was vetoed in favor of laying on the couch watching the Olympics and saying over and over again "Man, I'm full." A great night!