a run

Just got back from a 4 mile run (down to Lake Calhoun and around the lake) with Kevin, and I feel so good!

In high school, I ran on both the cross country and track teams (I used to run a 6:02 mile!), and it was something I loved to do - something I felt really good about doing. Being "a runner" was part of my self-identity. I worked hard, I was in great shape, I felt super healthy and fit, and I never really had to worry about my weight (man, I miss that!). When I met Kevin, I was running 6 miles a day, and, although I was being a bit extreme with the calorie counting (which was rather exhausting), I was feeling pretty great about having recently lost 30 lbs (Freshmen 15, yes, but no one tells you about the Freshman and Sophomore 30), and about being active again after a collegiate hiatus from healthy living.

One of the things that I treasure the most about my memories of falling in love with Kevin, is that he introduced me to all types of amazing ethnic foods, and to the idea of eating out regularly (we still love to try new restaurants). I loved spending time in SF, Sacramento, Davis, and Berkeley, eating at our favorite Indian, Vietnamese, Italian, Thai, Mediterranean, and Mexican restuarants (oh Taqueria Guadalajara, how we miss you!). Of course, all that eating out, and the decline in physical activity that comes when you're busy falling in love and spending all your time going out on dates, led to a slow, but steady, weight gain for me. By the time we drove across the country to move to NY, I had gained about 12 pounds, and had pretty much stopped exercising altogether - not a good set-up for a big life-change!

In Ithaca, the crazy winters, and my mild depression at feeling like I didn't really have a "purpose" for the first 6 months we lived there (I wasn't in school, wasn't working, didn't know anyone yet, Kevin was super busy with school), combined with the stress of planning a wedding, and living together for the first time, meant that I continued to gain weight - 10 more lbs in those two years.

Then, the winter before last, our first winter in Minnesota, I realized that I had gained 10 more lbs (that's right, we're talking 32 lbs in about 4 years), and that I had reached my highest weight ever; I was miserable! For about a year, as I watched Kevin train for a marathon and I sat idly by, I sort of ignored my weight gain (and my total couch-potato status). Kevin and I joined a gym when we first moved to MN, and optimistically signed an 18-month contract; this past January, when our contract was up, I realized I'd gone to the gym maybe 8 times during those 18 months of membership. Yikes.  I had just never been so out of shape, or so inactive, in my entire life, and it was so hard to strike up the motivation to get to the gym, or get outdoors for a walk, let alone a run. Then, when Kevin and I started talking about our plans for starting a family, I realized that there is no way I want to get pregnant while 30 lbs. over my healthy weight. And, that's it, that's when I absolutely knew that losing weight has to be about more than my decade-long quest to be skinny; it has to be about my health, and about living well, and about all the things I want to accomplish in my life.

Last year, we made a resolution to begin cooking more, to eat out a lot less, and to overhaul the types of foods we were eating (more whole, fresh, and nutritious foods, and less crap), and I am very proud to say that we made a big change in how we eat (though, yes, we do still love to eat out now and then, and of course there is always room for improvement in our diet); as a result, I did manage to lose about 6 lbs., although, I was still not exercising at all.

In February we decided to remedy that by joining a new gym, a YWCA right down the street, and I wish I could say I got right to the exercising part, but I didn't. What I did do, was sign up to run a 1/2 marathon with Kevin (though he's doing the full) and 4 other friends, this June. Then I got crazy and signed up for the 60-mile walk in August - I know, ambitious! Though I should have been exercising at least a little bit, in preparation for the official start of my training, I, of course, procrastinated, and didn't move a muscle until this past Monday - my official first day of training. Now, it's day 5, and I've not missed a workout yet this week. It's a small accomplishment, but you would think I'd just solved the problems in the Middle East - I am pretty darn proud of myself.

I'm thinking that the fact that I've been able to stick with working out this week, has to do with a few things: 1) I've set attainable athletic goals, so I am not just exercising to "get skinny," 2) I made 2009's resolutions to start taking it one thing at a time, to live more in the moment, and to not be so hard on myself, and 3) I've realized that for too many years I have let my obsession with my weight, and my hatred of my own body, hold me back, and I am really tired of doing that! My body is strong, my body will nourish and birth a child, and it's the only one I've got, so I want to appreciate it by loving it and taking good care of it.

So, I go for my runs, I make healthy and tasty meals (usually), and I try to compliment my sassy self for even the tiny goals accomplished. These days, when I am all too apt to resort to the type of negative self-thoughts that only serve to hold me back in life, it just feels good to feel a little good about myself, you know?