what I'm loving right now

1. Getting caught in a crazy summer downpour on a long walk with my cute husband and goofy dog. Thinking we were just going to get drizzled on, then realizing it was going to pour, deciding not to care, taking our time walking home, and both of us laughing at my urge to splash in every puddle I could find. Glancing over to look at the man I love and just feeling so, so, so very --- free. And drenched. And happy.

2. Celebrating the 4th of July - one of my favorite days of the year - with good friends, good food, lawn games, and an absolutely spectacular fireworks show over the Mississippi in downtown St. Paul. Seeing the looks on the faces of two of our favorite kids, ages 5 and 3, as they watched fireworks for the very first time. Magic. The grand finale was so spectacular it literally made me squeal with delight.

3. New sandals. They are yellow. I know, it's materialistic - but they do make me really happy. Thinking about strolling through the streets of Barcelona and Paris in them makes me even happier.

4. The husband and I looking over at each other every now and then and just saying "PARIS!" and grinning like fools. We are stupid excited about this upcoming trip. I am excited because it's been a lifelong dream of mine to see Paris (I know, how original), and because the idea of two romantic, carefree weeks exploring lovely cities with the man I love is something quite nice to anticipate. Also, I love cheese, and I'm pretty sure Spain and France have some really excellent cheeses waiting for me. Kevin is excited for similar reasons (except in his version it's not the man he loves, it's me he's exploring the cities with, and in addition to the cheese there is the sliver of a hope that I'll actually concede to spending part of our time in Paris here), and also because, I suspect, it makes his heart happy to make one of his wife's lifelong dreams come true. I am very lucky, and very grateful.

5. Deciding to take a big trip this summer after all. It's not the most financially responsible thing we've ever done (we could really use some more money in our savings account), but, it feels right. And I know we won't regret it. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Right? Right!

6. Corn on the cob. It's 39 cents at Trader Joe's. Salt and butter, and that's it. My favorite summertime food. I like to take note of how people eat their corn on the cob --- I like to eat one long thin row at a time, and work my way around the cob until there is not one little kernel left. Kevin likes to chomp around haphazardly, and he always leaves some kernels on the cob. What does this say about us as people? Maybe nothing, but I still find it interesting.

7. Getting text messages about perfectly beautiful little babies who have joined the world this summer. So many healthy little ones to be thankful for. Welcome, you lovely girls (they have all been girls lately) - we can't wait to meet you and squeeze your chubby little legs!

8. The big lush hydrangea bushes blooming in the front yard. They are heavy with fat white flowers and big leafy green leaves. Hydrangeas are my favorite flower - I carried them in my bouquet on our wedding day - and it makes me happy every time I peek out the porch windows and see them all gloriously abloom. I am very glad we decided to do all the re-landscaping work in the front yard ourselves --- it's very satisfying to see things we've planted doing well. It's also a little surprising to see everything doing so well, since neither of us had any idea what the heck we were doing out there. Again, sometimes you just have to go for it.

9. A whirlwind visit from a beloved friend. Sarah stopped by for a one day visit (actually, it was 20 hours, since we picked her up at the airport at 1:30 pm on a Saturday, and dropped her off the next morning at 8 am, but who was counting?), and it was so good for my soul to see her. You know those friends that it hurts to be away from for too long? The kind of friend who knows the absolute truest part of you? The friend who you would never be afraid to be yourself around? The friend who brings you back to you when you most need it? Sarah is one of those friends. We laugh so hard when we're together. It's the best kind of therapy.

10. Feeling a little more at peace with myself, my life, my decisions, even my indecisions. No, things haven't magically all figured themselves out, all the answers haven't suddenly been presented to me by a good-natured and wise unicorn with a desire to make all my problems go away (isn't that how you picture life's answers being handed to you?). I haven't yet lost 20 pounds, or taken up yoga again, rejoined my writer's group, been running on a regular basis, or cooked a fresh healthy meal every night. I also haven't taken the dog out for a walk every single day (gasp!), or written letters to my grandparents, called my dear friends as much as I've wanted to, or learned to stop impulse shopping at Target. I haven't suddenly learned to let go of all my "I should haves," and I haven't been nice to my husband every single moment of every single day. I haven't checked every item off every to-do list I've made (if you know me, you know this would be impossible anyway since I make about 10 to-do lists a day, and some consist of only a single cryptic line --- I once found a Post-it note in my pocket on which I'd scribbled "Peter?" - what it meant I had no idea), and I haven't yet accepted that making to-do lists is sometimes just another way of putting off actually doing. What I have accomplished this year, so far, is that I've started to let it seep in that measuring my worth as a woman by how many of those things I actually manage to accomplish in my life, is not always a healthy thing. The thing is, I think we are all made up of the things we are good at doing, the things we wish we were good at doing, the things we actually get around to doing, and the things we wish we would, or could, get around to doing. I am always striving, planning, busy feeling wander-lusty, and sometimes I lose sight of what's going right, of what I am accomplishing, and I start to miss out on my own life. I think the quest for self-awareness, for self-improvement, for purposeful living is a worthy quest, and I think making plans for the future can be a great thing --- but, I also think I need to balance my striving, my plan-making, with a bit more appreciation of the moment I am living in, a little more acting on intuition, and a little more trusting of the decisions I finally make. Phew. Does this make any sense? I guess this is all to say that I am learning that life, as weird as it can get, can be basically boiled down to a few cliches:

1. Take it one day at a time.
2. Life goes on. Really, it does.
3. Things have a way of working themselves out. I know, I, too, have a hard time with this one. I mean, sometimes the "working themselves out" part seems to require quite a bit of work on my part, or the acceptance of some brutal fact or another, or some type of sacrifice or obnoxious compromise, or just waiting out some really crappy times. However, for the most part, things do eventually seem to fall into place in a way that makes pretty good sense. I don't know if this one will stand the test of time, but for now it's been helping me adopt a more zen-like attitude about potentially stressful events in my life.
4. Grass doesn't grow on a busy street. Okay, just kidding about this last one. I actually don't even know what it means. I found it here, by Googling "popular cliches."

Also, I'm going to be 30 soon. In 2 years and 5 months, but, really, that's kind of soon. That means I don't have any more time to waste on self-loathing. I can't be bothered with it anymore. If more self-acceptance is what I can expect in my thirties, then I look forward to those years. I've spent a pretty ridiculous amount of time in my 20's (and a STUPIDLY ridiculous amount of time in my teens - oh, good grief, so much wasted time) second-guessing my decisions, my hair, my clothes, my weight, the things I say at dinner parties, my taste in music, my intelligence, my hobbies, my teeth (seriously), my choice of majors, whether or not people really like me, and countless other things. Enough already. Right? Right! You know what? I think I should start getting up in the mornings and practice saying some self-affirmations with the same unadulterated conviction, and just plain enthusiasm, of this little girl:



I can do anything good! I can do anything good! I love cheese!

I could really get used to this sort of enthusiastic living.