a loss

I was waiting a few more weeks (three, to be exact) to write this post with what was supposed to be happy news. It is with a very heavy heart that I instead write that we found out yesterday morning that our 11 week pregnancy is ending. A second loss. The grief is palpable in our home.

Kevin and I found out in early June that, after 19 months of trying to get pregnant after our first miscarriage, we were expecting. After endless tests, fertility consults, three failed rounds of Clomid, many blood draws, one surgery, a little humiliation, and lots of heartache and frustration, our naturally conceived pregnancy arrived as an unexpected, beautiful gift. We were overjoyed. We felt blessed. Things had been progressing well, with blood levels rising appropriately, progesterone supplements and multivitamins being taken every day, and an incredible 8.5 week ultrasound that showed a little grape-sized being with a discernible head and body, limb buds, and a strong beating heart.

Yesterday morning we went in for our 11 week appointment, to hear the heartbeat via Doppler for the first time. When the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, he didn't seem concerned (because I have a tilted uterus, which could make it more challenging to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler in the first trimester). He sent us in for an ultrasound, where it was confirmed that our sweet baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

We are grief-stricken, but we are doing a good job of supporting each other. We have been comforted by the love and support of our families, friends, and co-workers. And, somehow, I feel rather clear-headed. I am so very sad, but I am ready to go through the grief this time, instead of fighting to go around it as I did last time. Pain is cleansing, and I have learned much over the past two years about my ability to endure, about the strength of my marriage, and about the beauty of relinquishing the desire to control situations which are very much out of my control. I have grown. I feel like a woman. Still, this is hard. 

We are not sure we are going to go back to the reproductive specialist just yet. We don't want any more of the pressure we felt to pursue the invasive, intensive, and expensive treatments that are so enticing when you are a couple deep into the life-consuming desperation to bear a child. For now we have decided that we will continue to work with my beloved acupuncturist, Dr. Julie, who is a true kindred spirit, a teacher, and a healer. (Julie, who fit me right in to her day's schedule when I called her office yesterday morning to tell her the news. Julie, who took me by the hand when I arrived, led me to one of the treatment rooms, hugged me, and just let me cry. Julie who has pieced me back together before, and who gave me the strength to know that this time I can piece myself back together - with her help. My gratitude for Julie is deep and abiding.) We will also be working with a local naturopath/midwife, who will help us understand why I am struggling with my fertility. We want to take a holistic approach to healing our bodies, minds, and spirits, and to achieving optimal health. Then, we will try again. It feels impossible to be thinking of trying again, when I am still carrying this baby, but we know that we will try again. 

This is a sad reason for me to start writing again after a long absence, but it felt wrong not to write about our baby and this loss. This loss which feels so very raw right now. This loss which will add another little scar to our hearts that, years after we have built our family, will remind us of the road we traveled to get where we were meant to go.

I can already feel the love and good thoughts pouring back to us as you read this, so thank you in advance. The love is needed and much appreciated right now. Friends, family, and thoughtful co-workers are getting us through this sad patch. Send some love to us, but also send some love out to the universe, to this hurting and healing world. The world could use a lot of love these days.

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First photo, at 5 weeks. 

Second photo, at 8 weeks.

First ultrasound, gestational sac and yolk sac visible at 5 weeks 2 days. 

Our bean at 7 weeks 5 days, the first time we saw the beating heart at 166 bpm.  

Big head, a little body, arm and leg buds, and a wild little heart beating away at a healthy 179 bpm.  

We are a little busted up right now (as my sister would say). But, we're going to be okay. 

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