exhaustion

For the past three days I have been trying to work myself into a state of exhausted numbness. I'm not sure if this is healthy, but I fear the alternative. If I sit, I think. When I think, I cry. I cry many times throughout the day anyway, and right now idleness feels like a dangerous way to sink into a deep self-pitying depression. I am hurting, and the exhaustion of constant physical activity feels good.

My sister and brother-in-law will be moving in with us in a couple of weeks (for about a year, while they go back to school), and I have been busy turning my basement craft room into a bedroom for them, and turning the main floor guest room into a combination office/guest/craft room. I am taking advantage of this transition to finally unpack some boxes that have been sitting in the basement, untouched, since we moved in three years ago. Kevin was a little dismayed to realize that I didn't intend to simply move boxes from one area of the house to another, but that instead I was embarking on a grief-fueled total re-organization of our house. I have sifted through dozens of boxes of old school notebooks, photographs, craft supplies, papers (oh, the paper!), and random miscellany. I have gathered about a carload's worth of stuff to either sell or donate, and I have collected at least six paper bags worth of paper to be recycled.

Between all of Kevin's business school papers that he decided he no longer needs (after having never looked at them in the five years since graduating), and all of the papers I've saved from my ten years of on-and-off undergraduate work, there was a lot of paper to sift through. One of the funnier moments of the night came when Kevin realized that I had an entire box full of half-used notebooks that I have been saving (and carting around with me from home to home) since my first round of college at UC Davis in the early 2000's. I was raised by a man who saved every scrap of scratch paper, used every pencil until it was an ungraspable nub, and was known to unwrap gifts very slowly in an effort to save the wrapping paper for later re-use. Throwing away notebooks with clean pages feels wrong. So, Kevin and I spent a not insignificant amount of time tonight going through each notebook, tearing out the clean pages, and transferring them to binders. Our efforts were fruitful - we ended up with nine 1-inch binders full of clean notebook paper! That should last us the next ten years at least.

A few noteworthy things I came across during the basement unpacking and organization:

1. Endless note cards, greeting cards, handwritten notes, and little scraps of paper with sweet notes from Kevin and friends and family, that I have saved in the years between high school and the present.

2. Many old journals of mine that are written in such a melodramatic way that I couldn't read most of it without cringing. There was one lovely entry, however, from December of 2003, when we had been dating for four months, in which I wrote about falling in love with Kevin.

3. A few "things to do before I am (enter an age here)" lists. It was satisfying to see that I'd accomplished a number of the items on these lists. There were also items that I no longer have any intention of every accomplishing, and items which are now on my "Before 30" and "Before 35" lists.

4. Many love notes written to Kevin, or from Kevin, from our early dating days, our engagement years, and the early marriage years. I'm so glad I've saved these notes. A particular favorite is a note from Kevin with an Einstein quote that reads, "Exhausted from a silence long/This is to show you clear how strong/The thoughts of you will always sit/Up in my brains little attic," with a funny little drawing of Einstein. The most difficult note to read was a rough draft of my wedding vows to Kevin. Most of it was fine, but when I got to the line, "I promise you summertime baseball games, fall walks, and babies," it felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. I've delivered on the first two parts of that vow (many summertime days have been spent rooting for the Giants, A's, and Twins, and there have been lots of fall walks), but the last part - ouch. What a promise.

5. Of course, old photographs dating back to my seventh-grade trip to Washington DC and New York City. A trip where I spent an entire roll of film on headstones in Arlington Cemetery, and during which I got lost in Manhattan and had to be rescued at a Sbarro's by one of the teachers on the trip. Majorly embarrassing, and I think it took a couple of weeks off my mother's life to get that phone call.

6. The worst photograph ever taken of me. It's so bad that I don't have the guts to show it to you on this blog. Some day. Maybe. If you were a member of St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Minneapolis about four years ago, you might have seen said photograph. Please know that is not what I really look like.

I am so thankful to have a reason to stay busy, though I know that exhaustion and lack of sleep will eventually catch up with me. Also, I am running out of boxes to sort through. Anyone have a basement that needs organizing?

The new office/guest/craft room. 

The sofa bed is the only new item we needed to make this space multi-purpose. From IKEA, of course. 

This tucked away area in the basement will make a nice bedroom. 

An undated hand-written note from my then boyfriend, now husband. 

P.S. Thank you for all of the kind thoughts and love being sent our way. Much needed, and much appreciated.